Friday, November 25, 2005

ABSTINENCE ADVOCATES DEMAND NOMOSEXUAL CELEBRATION

ABSTINENCE ADVOCATES DEMAND -- NOMOSEXUALITY SHOULD BE CELEBRATED

Friday, November 24, 2005

by D.S. Bakkup

(CHICAGO - Roiders, nucca) Empowered by the United States Supreme Court's 6-3 decision to strike down sodomy laws across the nation, and further emboldened by acts such as Gay Pride parades nationwide, a new advocacy group is emerging across the country.

Sexual abstinence advocates nationwide united under the newly formed umbrella organization Judiciously Abstinent Group Organizing For Fairness (J.A.G.O.F.F.). Its first president, Tyson Eddington, claimed that from this day forward, people who practice abstinence will be known as NOMOSEXUALS who engage in NOMOSEXUAL activity. J.A.G.O.F.F.'s first official duty will be to form lobbying committees for all of the major political parties.

"We're hoping to get Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich to represent us for the Democrats and Republicans, respectively. Gingrich said that he may be interested in speaking on our behalf down the road, "maybe later." Attempts to reach Clinton were met with hysterical laughter and the words '...is you fuh-REAL?' peppered through the conversation", president Eddington sadly noted.

When asked about membership requirements, spokesman and recruitment chairman Walter Higginbotham said that "whether your abstinence is by choice, or by circumstance, you are more than welcome to join our group. All we ask is that you state that you aren't getting any, for whatever reason." Higginbotham, a 5' 2", 320-lb KFC aficianado, said that the choice for abstinence was easy for him, due to the fact that "girls just don't want to look beyond the surface to see the real me." President Eddington, who admits to not getting laid "since the last Presidential administration -- and it was just one time, at that", echoed Higginbotham's sentiment. "If we can have parades, and special treatments, and newly-updated PC language, and new hate crime laws to protect and celebrate homosexuality, and if we can have advertisements that clearly promote the hedonistic heterosexual lifestyle, where everyone's getting some but me, and it pisses me off -- but I digress -- if we can have all that, surely we can have legislation set up to protect the abstinent, and the chronically unattractive, who are prone to fits of abstinence."

The J.A.G.O.F.F. President was asked about the future of this group. Eddington stated that he would like to see fairness for nomosexuals, especially in the workplace. "Why can't someone who spends his spare time at home with a Kenya Moore poster and a bottle of Jergens get a tax break for not burdening society with children, or keeping court costs down by not speaking to women -- NOT because we're scared, but because of sexual harassment laws -- why can't we get a tax break?"

A few corporations have already hopped onto the "nomosexual" bandwagon. Johnson & Johnson's spokesperson Priscilla Watson stated that their company's tracking service shows that next to parents, single men are the biggest users of their product. "We wholly support the nomosexual lifestyle, and we are proud that our product plays such an integral part in nomosexual activity." Ralston-Purina, makers of various brands of cat food, agreed. Said brand executive Tom Conner, "...research shows that nomosexuals are, by and large, cat owners, and we want to do our best to include them in our umbrella of diversity." Porno king Larry Flynt, owner of the Hustler porn enterprise, added the following: "Since Hustler's inception, we feel that we have been a cornerstone of the nomosexual lifestyle. Our publications have always catered to nomosexuals around the world, and it is an extreme honor to continue to provide a service to this under-represented group."

"Instead of wasting time trying to seek satisfying, luscious, but wholly unfulfilling sex, we nomosexuals EMBRACE our nomosexuality, and we encourage others to do the same, or at least offered token support" Eddington concluded, before retiring to group offices with the latest copy of "Sistas 14" in tow.